X-Ray Vision is Only for Perverts

 

Wait I have a blog.... I remember this now.  Something about morality and superheroes.  Wow, I can change the font to Helvetica.....  

Electron Rlsh is not a Robot!

Had some serious inquires from many concerned persons on this "hero". Going where others fear to tread I.... and I alone went into the forbidden zone and have brought back another treasure from the trenches of the Real Life Super Hero battle grounds....

Hey... quick question?

shoot

Are you a robot?

Nope. Just your average sentient being, on a never ending quest to rid the world of evil! hahahahaha

Excellent, thank you! Can I quote you on that?

I suppose

Chat Conversation End

Chatting with RLSH Agint Jersy

Agint Jersy: I don't like to speak to RLSV.

PK: Is that racist? I am not sure...
I think I need to check with my union rep...

Agint Jersy: I never really thought about it that way, I guess it is.


Chat Conversation End.

RLSV Match Up Service

Silver Viper: Hmmmm.... SOMEONE'S been messin with my collection of crumbled bones of enemies. I spell something. Its... Its a combination of Eye and NVO... Curse you, Von Deathbread!

PK: ummm... hang on I gotta pee first......
Silver Viper: LOL

PK: Thank you for holding, RLSV Arch match up, this is PK how can I help you today?

Silver Viper: MY BONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PK: You are interested in an Arch enemy with a Bone theme? I will have to check... I am afraid the White Skull is unavailable at this time.

PK:How does this match look?
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002958901097

Silver Viper: My...bones.... *gasp* That fiend!!!

PK: Now that you have found a match, if not already friends send a request and a short message of dedication of your willingness to arch this person.

Silver Viper: Wait a minute..... What kinda scam are you tryin to pull here!? Eh? YOU'RE the one pilfering with my bones!!
You probably sold him that frontal plate for a package of Cheetos! Curse you, Von Deathbread! Cursssssssse youuuuuuu....
(*dramatic music*)

PK: Thank you for using RLSV match up, it has been my pleasure to help you and have a pleasant day!

Chat Conversation End.

Chatting with RLS? Conor Silva

Conor Silva: EXPLAIN
Jebediah VonDeathbread: Please redefine the question.
Conor Silva: Explain?
Jebediah VonDeathbread: input error... Please redefine the question and ask again.
Conor Silva: Explain what you do as a rlsv?
Jebediah VonDeathbread: What needs to be done in a unique fashion.
Conor Silva: You should learn to be less vague. Describe an experience.
Jebediah VonDeathbread: All data is open to interpretation. An experience of what... that is vague.
Conor Silva: nvr mind
Jebediah VonDeathbread: OK... nice talking to you: CONOR SALIVA
Conor Silva: Yeah...
Jebediah VonDeathbread: Would you like to play a game?

Chat Conversation End

Chatting with RLSH The Wolf Of Madison

Thewolf Ofmadison: hey

Jebediah VonDeathbread: I am so into Natalie Imbruglia it is not even funny.

Thewolf Ofmadison: okay then

Chat Conversation End

Chatting with RLSH Mr. Justice

RlshMr Justice: Hi
Jebediah VonDeathbread: Howdy!
RlshMr Justice: How are you?
Jebediah VonDeathbread: I think my bird is dying... I am sad.
RlshMr Justice: What species?
Jebediah VonDeathbread: Avian.
RlshMr Justice: Yes
RlshMr Justice: Have you taken it to the vet?
Jebediah VonDeathbread: I don't think there is a point to that it just died... I am sad.
RlshMr Justice: Buy a super bird
Only 9.95
Or a dog maybe
Dont be sad

Chat Conversation End

The Keene Act & YOU (1977)

Still one of my favorites.

Demoted :(

Well hell... looks like I have been demoted.

A few days ago I was summoned by our glorious leader The Potentate to go over my expense account.

Normally this is handled via electronic communication, but the big man wanted some "face time" so to speak... I don't even know where to look at him.. his head is nothing but volcanic gas. I was not too concerned as going to ROACH head quarter's is always a good place to re-up my arsenal of cheap ball point pens and copy paper.

After making my way down like a million hallways (that all look the same with no markings what so ever) I made it to the Sanctum Sanctorum. This was not good as everyone was in there waiting for me... even that guy with the toilet paper on his head.

I was accused of being in violation of 15 acts under the ROACH charter with the most hanus crime being aiding and abetting in Real Life Superhero activities. I was all like "What no way I hate those guys" and they were all like "Yes way we have evidence and stuff." The proceedings were really long and boring, using lot's of big words that I had no clue as to there meaning. Apparently being chummy and pals with Capes does not make you have a reputation to be "feared".

The only thing I could bring to my defense was a 15 minute interpretational dance about the balance of power done to Abba's Dancing Queen. I had felt I was winning them over as they all started clapping and forming a circle around me just like that scene in that Kevin Bacon movie Tremors.... I was wrong... out came the Nerf baseball bats. If the choice is Nerf or nothing... I would rather take the nothing thank you! This experience is beyond description.. well beyond a description of orange covered Nerf bats beating the ever loving tar out of me.

I have now been moved to a smaller office with no window, my wonderful floating hover chair has been replaced with a broken plastic molded office chair from the 1960's , and I no longer have access to the Class Three lounge... which really sucks due to the fact it is the only place that offers Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper.

Oh well in the end I guess it was better to have loved and gotten wailed on by Nerf then to have lost... or something like that.


-Poop Knife

Meta Villain Class Two

Spider-man star actor Cliff Robertson dies

OSCAR-winning ­Hollywood actor Cliff Robertson has died... after being shot and killed by a car jacker.

At 10:04pm on Saturday evening outside of the Brooklyn public library Cliff Robertson was shot at point blank range in his 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Robertson was parked outside the building waiting to pick up his nephew when the suspect forced Robertson out of the car and shot him in cold blood.

Suspect Michael Papajohn was apprehended by police several hours later at an abandoned mill. Authorities were baffled as to why Papajohn was found dangling from a lamp post in what appeared to be some kind of webbing.

Robertson best known for his performance in the 1958 adaptation of Norman Mailer’s The Naked And The Dead; is survived by his wife May and nephew Peter.

Robertson's last words before bleeding out on the sidewalk were reported as "With great power comes great responsibility." At which that point a glowing blue light engulfed Robertson and he transcended into the next realm only leaving his empty clothing behind.

RLSV Victory for Villainy Over RLSH Hope

Round two suckers and who is still on top?

Yeah, again the forces of pants have taken over the battle of the bulge. Yes Virginia, another cape has been shamed into the world of pants by yours truly!

I am an unstoppable pants machine. Who is next? Any takers? There is no stopping me now... your shame is my weapon, and my weapon is pants!

Another lesson learned. HOPEfully (har har har) this RLSH member will teach future generations what it is like to go against the Knife and loose.

I am taking the weekend off to celebrate.... exit stage left and que Rocky theme song. As a wise man once said "With Great Shame, Must Come Great Pants".

Spotlight: RLSH Hope

Again really? And can you believe this guy is friends with Ani Mal.

Would have it been that difficult for even some basic research? Nah just come up with a name and slap on some spandex... it's all good your a "hero" now.

Hope: Hey Ani Mal what do you think of my new fruit wrap?
Ani Mal: It is ok, but your member is showing.
Hope: Oh crap... you are right dude!
Ani Mal: Get some black pants, that should fix it.
Hope: Thanks Ani Mal, you are the bestest!

I just don't know anymore.... the lady next to the chode is Violet Valkyrie. Who apparently knows how to wear spandex in a correct manner. She is either too polite or naive to tell her crime fighting buddy to change his name to The Human Wang.

This re-pantsing the RLSH thing is going to take alot of time.

The Re Evil Dead

Alright so apparently Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi are reviving some form of the original film, The Evil Dead. For those that do not know of the film, please go back to your cave and bugger off.

I could care less on the outcome of this project as being a Metavillain anything with the word "evil" in it I automatically must like. This does not sound as cool as it is.... I am also contractually obligated to like Cher, asbestos, and Beta max.

But what does confuse the living Krypton out of me is what the hell do you call it? A remake, reboot, re-imagining, Evil Dead 3.0? The second film in the original trio was kind of a re-telling as well, only spiced up a little bit with money. This modern era of Re's makes my head hurt more then when I saw the Re-Re-Animator.

Diablo Cody is doing something with the project.... but again I could care less to what, as I am just in love with the name "Diablo Cody". What an awesome name to have as cracker jack reporter or a stunt woman! I hope she has a brown Suede jacket and a bowie knife... that would kick-ass.

Fourth Estate Sale

RLSV Victory for Villainy Over RLSH Ani Mal

Oh yes, I am so claiming this one.

Not but a little while ago (June 30th to be precise) one pointed out the "short comings" of the spandex monstrosity of nightmares known as the fruit wrap of Real Life Super Hero (or maybe Alt-X by now) know as Ani Mal.

The streets are still not safe, but at least the children and women will not recoil in horror... too much. If only they made a black pair of pants big enough to cover the entire shame of the RLSH sub-culture I could retire in peace... and go back to Project Love Dolphin.

This gives one new purpose in villainy. From this day forward I will not rest until all capes are wearing pants! This may take some time... but it will be time well invested.

Look out Iron Lamb... you are my next target.

BWAHAHAHA!

-PK

Captain America Dry

Wow what a brilliant marketing plan. Captain America the Marvel comics symbol of super patriotism is on a bottle of Canada Dry.

The "boys" in marketing have really out done themselves this time.

Maybe this is a new era in mismarketing? Perhaps Tony Stark could start endorsing O'Douls.... or maybe Wonder Woman could have her own line of steak sauce!

Happy Villaindependence Day indeed.

Spotlight: RLSH Ani Mal

Now here we have....

OH MY GOD... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

If you are going to wear spandex have the common sense to put some underwear on the outside of that thing.

Think Batman not Spider-Man for two seconds.

I don't want to see this "hero" again until he gets a pair of trunks.... or possibly a restraining order around public parks.

This is beyond epic fail at this point... like a black hole trapped inside a Corona without a lime.

Mail Bag

Yeesh... it's summer time people.... even death takes a holiday.

Gosh it is super swell to know people miss me tormenting them with Death Bots and such. Here is a fun rundown of messages I have gotten in the last month.... all names are withheld to protect the un-road worthy.

Alice: i just wanted to say i am so sorry bout the phone thing on the ****** ****** show i hope u can fore give me

Skippy: I am glad you have gone away you mother ******. I hope you got hit by a truck.

Joan: Are you ok? Have not seen you on FB. I miss our late night chats. :(

Building 2-A: Dear Mr. VonDeathbread, this is to inform you that the copy of "How to Rule the World from your Couch" by Laura Day is now 5 days overdue. You will be charged .10 per day until it is returned.

Fred: Are you mad at me? What ever I did wrong I am sorry, please do not unfriend me! Please write back.

Chip: you ok? You weren't caught in any subterfuge and revenge taken against you or those close to you?


Well it looks like I have some business to attend to, as ten cents per day is going to add up really quick. Otherwise Back to the Beach with Frankie and Annette.

The Sassy Gay Friend is Dead!

Yep it is sad but true... and end of an era. Just like giant cell phones and Tevo, the male sassy gay has been replaced.

I here by decree this next decade now belongs to the Sassy Bisexual friend. Back in the closet you go Carson Kressley.... you are obsolete. The SBF is in many respects similar to his predecessor. Interior decorating skills, fashion sense, and interpretational Lady Gaga dancing is all there.

The superiority of the SBF to the SGF breaks down as follows. With your typical SGF female heterosexual relationship there is always that uncomfortable level of sexual tension subconsciously on the female side. She deep down in some chromosomal level feels the need to bring the SGF back to the home team. It would be great right? You converted one back who will be the perfect life mate. He is caring, sweet, and has a much better living room set then you could ever hope for. This scenario never works out well... nine times out of ten you just sent him running back to the club where you will be gossipped about and put on the national SGF do not call list. You are shoe shopping alone from now on chica.

This is where the evolution of the SBF truly outshines his cro-magnon cousin. The heterosexual female in the SBF relationship does not feel the will or desire to have to "save" this one. She will be pleased as punch to sill have someone to look over the new fall fashions and chat on the phone about last nights episode of Glee. The SBF sexual relationship is always a option for her if she chooses to act on it. Nine times out of Ten she will not pursue that kind of relationship, as she needs someone to talk to about why her boyfriend does not understand her. A wonderful side effect for the SBF is he often does not have to pay for things when he has a current partner. The female will feel some kind of weird moral obligation to treat for talking to the SBF about her man troubles. Watermelon smoothies are the best!

Now as the sun now rises proudly over the horizon welcoming in this new utopia. I bid the SGF goodbye forever.... or until Tuesday... what ever comes first.

Satan's Cheerleaders (1977) trailer