X-Ray Vision is Only for Perverts

 

Wait I have a blog.... I remember this now.  Something about morality and superheroes.  Wow, I can change the font to Helvetica.....  

Electron Rlsh is not a Robot!

Had some serious inquires from many concerned persons on this "hero". Going where others fear to tread I.... and I alone went into the forbidden zone and have brought back another treasure from the trenches of the Real Life Super Hero battle grounds....

Hey... quick question?

shoot

Are you a robot?

Nope. Just your average sentient being, on a never ending quest to rid the world of evil! hahahahaha

Excellent, thank you! Can I quote you on that?

I suppose

Chat Conversation End

Chatting with RLS? Conor Silva

Conor Silva: EXPLAIN
Jebediah VonDeathbread: Please redefine the question.
Conor Silva: Explain?
Jebediah VonDeathbread: input error... Please redefine the question and ask again.
Conor Silva: Explain what you do as a rlsv?
Jebediah VonDeathbread: What needs to be done in a unique fashion.
Conor Silva: You should learn to be less vague. Describe an experience.
Jebediah VonDeathbread: All data is open to interpretation. An experience of what... that is vague.
Conor Silva: nvr mind
Jebediah VonDeathbread: OK... nice talking to you: CONOR SALIVA
Conor Silva: Yeah...
Jebediah VonDeathbread: Would you like to play a game?

Chat Conversation End

The Keene Act & YOU (1977)

Still one of my favorites.

Demoted :(

Well hell... looks like I have been demoted.

A few days ago I was summoned by our glorious leader The Potentate to go over my expense account.

Normally this is handled via electronic communication, but the big man wanted some "face time" so to speak... I don't even know where to look at him.. his head is nothing but volcanic gas. I was not too concerned as going to ROACH head quarter's is always a good place to re-up my arsenal of cheap ball point pens and copy paper.

After making my way down like a million hallways (that all look the same with no markings what so ever) I made it to the Sanctum Sanctorum. This was not good as everyone was in there waiting for me... even that guy with the toilet paper on his head.

I was accused of being in violation of 15 acts under the ROACH charter with the most hanus crime being aiding and abetting in Real Life Superhero activities. I was all like "What no way I hate those guys" and they were all like "Yes way we have evidence and stuff." The proceedings were really long and boring, using lot's of big words that I had no clue as to there meaning. Apparently being chummy and pals with Capes does not make you have a reputation to be "feared".

The only thing I could bring to my defense was a 15 minute interpretational dance about the balance of power done to Abba's Dancing Queen. I had felt I was winning them over as they all started clapping and forming a circle around me just like that scene in that Kevin Bacon movie Tremors.... I was wrong... out came the Nerf baseball bats. If the choice is Nerf or nothing... I would rather take the nothing thank you! This experience is beyond description.. well beyond a description of orange covered Nerf bats beating the ever loving tar out of me.

I have now been moved to a smaller office with no window, my wonderful floating hover chair has been replaced with a broken plastic molded office chair from the 1960's , and I no longer have access to the Class Three lounge... which really sucks due to the fact it is the only place that offers Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper.

Oh well in the end I guess it was better to have loved and gotten wailed on by Nerf then to have lost... or something like that.


-Poop Knife

Meta Villain Class Two

Spider-man star actor Cliff Robertson dies

OSCAR-winning ­Hollywood actor Cliff Robertson has died... after being shot and killed by a car jacker.

At 10:04pm on Saturday evening outside of the Brooklyn public library Cliff Robertson was shot at point blank range in his 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Robertson was parked outside the building waiting to pick up his nephew when the suspect forced Robertson out of the car and shot him in cold blood.

Suspect Michael Papajohn was apprehended by police several hours later at an abandoned mill. Authorities were baffled as to why Papajohn was found dangling from a lamp post in what appeared to be some kind of webbing.

Robertson best known for his performance in the 1958 adaptation of Norman Mailer’s The Naked And The Dead; is survived by his wife May and nephew Peter.

Robertson's last words before bleeding out on the sidewalk were reported as "With great power comes great responsibility." At which that point a glowing blue light engulfed Robertson and he transcended into the next realm only leaving his empty clothing behind.

The Re Evil Dead

Alright so apparently Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi are reviving some form of the original film, The Evil Dead. For those that do not know of the film, please go back to your cave and bugger off.

I could care less on the outcome of this project as being a Metavillain anything with the word "evil" in it I automatically must like. This does not sound as cool as it is.... I am also contractually obligated to like Cher, asbestos, and Beta max.

But what does confuse the living Krypton out of me is what the hell do you call it? A remake, reboot, re-imagining, Evil Dead 3.0? The second film in the original trio was kind of a re-telling as well, only spiced up a little bit with money. This modern era of Re's makes my head hurt more then when I saw the Re-Re-Animator.

Diablo Cody is doing something with the project.... but again I could care less to what, as I am just in love with the name "Diablo Cody". What an awesome name to have as cracker jack reporter or a stunt woman! I hope she has a brown Suede jacket and a bowie knife... that would kick-ass.

Captain America Dry

Wow what a brilliant marketing plan. Captain America the Marvel comics symbol of super patriotism is on a bottle of Canada Dry.

The "boys" in marketing have really out done themselves this time.

Maybe this is a new era in mismarketing? Perhaps Tony Stark could start endorsing O'Douls.... or maybe Wonder Woman could have her own line of steak sauce!

Happy Villaindependence Day indeed.

Spotlight: RLSH Ani Mal

Now here we have....

OH MY GOD... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

If you are going to wear spandex have the common sense to put some underwear on the outside of that thing.

Think Batman not Spider-Man for two seconds.

I don't want to see this "hero" again until he gets a pair of trunks.... or possibly a restraining order around public parks.

This is beyond epic fail at this point... like a black hole trapped inside a Corona without a lime.

Mail Bag

Yeesh... it's summer time people.... even death takes a holiday.

Gosh it is super swell to know people miss me tormenting them with Death Bots and such. Here is a fun rundown of messages I have gotten in the last month.... all names are withheld to protect the un-road worthy.

Alice: i just wanted to say i am so sorry bout the phone thing on the ****** ****** show i hope u can fore give me

Skippy: I am glad you have gone away you mother ******. I hope you got hit by a truck.

Joan: Are you ok? Have not seen you on FB. I miss our late night chats. :(

Building 2-A: Dear Mr. VonDeathbread, this is to inform you that the copy of "How to Rule the World from your Couch" by Laura Day is now 5 days overdue. You will be charged .10 per day until it is returned.

Fred: Are you mad at me? What ever I did wrong I am sorry, please do not unfriend me! Please write back.

Chip: you ok? You weren't caught in any subterfuge and revenge taken against you or those close to you?


Well it looks like I have some business to attend to, as ten cents per day is going to add up really quick. Otherwise Back to the Beach with Frankie and Annette.

The Sassy Gay Friend is Dead!

Yep it is sad but true... and end of an era. Just like giant cell phones and Tevo, the male sassy gay has been replaced.

I here by decree this next decade now belongs to the Sassy Bisexual friend. Back in the closet you go Carson Kressley.... you are obsolete. The SBF is in many respects similar to his predecessor. Interior decorating skills, fashion sense, and interpretational Lady Gaga dancing is all there.

The superiority of the SBF to the SGF breaks down as follows. With your typical SGF female heterosexual relationship there is always that uncomfortable level of sexual tension subconsciously on the female side. She deep down in some chromosomal level feels the need to bring the SGF back to the home team. It would be great right? You converted one back who will be the perfect life mate. He is caring, sweet, and has a much better living room set then you could ever hope for. This scenario never works out well... nine times out of ten you just sent him running back to the club where you will be gossipped about and put on the national SGF do not call list. You are shoe shopping alone from now on chica.

This is where the evolution of the SBF truly outshines his cro-magnon cousin. The heterosexual female in the SBF relationship does not feel the will or desire to have to "save" this one. She will be pleased as punch to sill have someone to look over the new fall fashions and chat on the phone about last nights episode of Glee. The SBF sexual relationship is always a option for her if she chooses to act on it. Nine times out of Ten she will not pursue that kind of relationship, as she needs someone to talk to about why her boyfriend does not understand her. A wonderful side effect for the SBF is he often does not have to pay for things when he has a current partner. The female will feel some kind of weird moral obligation to treat for talking to the SBF about her man troubles. Watermelon smoothies are the best!

Now as the sun now rises proudly over the horizon welcoming in this new utopia. I bid the SGF goodbye forever.... or until Tuesday... what ever comes first.

Satan's Cheerleaders (1977) trailer

Concentrated Evil thy name is Computer King

This one goes out to you Pufnstuf! Looking forward to your return.... someone has to cut those vegetables on my plate for me. :D

Superman Renounces U.S. Citizenship

Oh say it ain't so Superman!

So much for truth, justice and the American way.

Guess there is a reason why Batman could always kick ole Clarks butt? I think Supes needs another Bat reality check asap! Maybe even Ollie can help and shoot a kryptonite arrow into his chest? Wait, that is the future we will never get.

Ugh, other than bankruptcy... can something please kill Superman?

http://www.comicsalliance.com/2011/04/27/superman-renounces-us-citizenship/#ixzz1Kq5kCTSP

So Superman is going to renounce his allegiance to the US and proclaim it to the UN. I find the irony of him denouncing the U.S. and then going to the U.N. funny . Since the U.N. is the most useless organization on the planet just as The League of Nations Was in the 1920's and 30's. If anything he should fly over to the UN building pick it up and throw it into the sun if he really wants to "Fight for Justice."

Teenage Mother (1967) trailer

A Hero is Born!

Being an RLSV is just stupid. I have no idea what I was thinking of in the first place. I have no costume... excuse me I mean uniform. I don't do anything that is remotely villain like (with the exception of not recycling on purpose cause Meow Mix said to) and I have excellent table manners. I know which one is the salad fork... do you?

I think I have changed my mind..... I hear by proclaim myself a RLSH! I will now go by the name "Wild Flower" I will protect the environment by calling 9-11 every time I see someone being a litter bug. I will zap the offender with my cattle prod (I am new to being a RLSH, who sells cattle prods cheap?) Until Johnny Law arrives.... but safely use a hefty bag full of marsh mellows to rest their head under.

I already have a grappling hook, and a Oscar Meyer weenier whistle to blow, if anything comes up that my cell phone and cattle prod cannot handle. I also plan on carrying a bag full of wild flowers to put into the end of a gun if anyone pulls one on me. Pretty cool eh? I am a total marketing machine calling myself Wild Flower and using wild flowers!

How do I contact Peter Tangen? I am so on board and ready for my photo shoot! This is going to be great! I am going to make the world a better place and get to be on a poster!

-Poop Kn..... I mean RLSH Wild Flower!

Happy Kitty Genovese Day!

Time for you to get a little bit of understanding on what makes Poop Knife function.

The year was 1999 give or take in wonderful sunny south Florida. I worked at a local business in the classic downtown area that was trying to revitalize as many towns were doing in this era. The idea being to celebrate local businesses and the heritage of main street USA.

The only problem with this wonderful idea is 90% of the homeless population also resided in the downtown area as well. All the shop owners and workers became very close to each other as we had to watch out for each other on a regular basis.

One day a new member of the homeless transient (the homeless just like birds migrate south for the winter) population decided to call our little town "home". Only this one was a little different then the rest.. very mentally unstable.. scared the hell out of everyone including the rest of the local homeless We nicknamed him Uni-Manson as he wore the same style mirrored sun glasses and hoody as the Unibomber but had the wild Afro like Charles Manson.

Nothing could be done, as even though everyone knew this guy was insane he had not broken any laws.

A plan was formed to remove this dangerous element from our little corner of society. Being this was a small town our plan was leaked to other well placed members of the community... and as scary as this is they supported what we were going to do and were willing to provide what ever assistance we needed to complete our self appointed vigilante mission.

Equipment was gathered and funded by various contributors (made Z look like Mr. Rogers) and a few dry runs or "rehearsals" were performed to make sure everything would run smoothly.... the plan was open to interpretation as force was going to indeed be used but we were willing to let Uni-Manson slink off into the night to become a problem of another community.

A few hours before "showtime" we were given an intervention by one of the prominent members of the local church who had also learned what we were about to do. His words were wise and true... It was not our place to do what ever we wanted to a man who had committed no crime other then scaring the living crap out of everyone who encountered him. We agreed to stand down and find a legal route for the situation.

Three weeks later on a Tuesday..... I will never forget this day for as long as I live. Another boring day of no business, most of us decided to close early due to it being a rainy day. One store owner decided to stick it out on the chance she would make some desperately needed money. Uni-Manson must have noticed that all the stores were closed except for hers. She was stabbed 27 times by him and died on her showroom floor after bleeding out. Uni-Manson was easily found by local police who followed the trail of stolen goods he dropped on the way to a wooded area a few blocks away.

I left town shortly after.. I could not stay there anymore.


Now you tell me "Heroes" you rally around a woman you would have no clue about if it had not been written about in some damn comic book. How do you think I feel? I had a chance to do something about the problem and did not because it was morally wrong. I would have become a vigilante or possibly a murderer, but instead due to my lack of action an innocent woman died for no damn reason at all.

You feed the homeless without understanding their nature... you are not part of any solution but are part of the problem. At any given time you can volunteer at a legit homeless outreach center... but oh no we can't have that can we because your a "Super Hero" and that would not satisfy your twisted ego of being the attention whores that you are. You go out after hours to "patrol" to find your Kitty Genovese to save.. but oh no you don't want to be a legitimate part of law enforcement because they are all "corrupt". You know better then them with all your advanced training of reading comic books.

Your entire sub-culture makes me sick to my stomach, with the very few exceptions of a handful of honest people who do know how to correctly do charity work. As for the rest of you pieces of human waste.... get it through your thick heads that you are not freaking super heroes.. you are a mockery of the word hero.

I was pulled back from the brink. Most of you are too stupid to be saved....

The Bar Harbor Batman

Well this has become interesting. I only became aware of the BHBM after TK posted on his blog if this guy was a RLSH or not?

My first response was no as being a "RLSH" should require a unique persona same as a RLSV (You have no idea on how many "new" RLSV members think they are the second coming of the Joker) this in retrospect was incorrect.... well on the RLSH front. All you tool bags who think you are the new Joker need a serious reality check.

Honestly... you want to go beat the hell out of people who dontate plasma in a poorly made spandex costumes?

After some thought and reflection the words of my RLSV comrade rang true:

---------------
Tothian:

It seems unfair for any of us on the Internet who don't know the guy personally to "decide" or "judge" whether he is or isn't a real life superhero. It just seems stupid.

Heroes aren't dubbed heroes because of a bunch of opinionated individuals on the Internet. I believe it's up to all of the people he may help or protect out on the streets to have their own opinions and perceptions of what they consider heroic, villainous, normal, weird, or whatever.

So, because of that, I see the titles as irrelevant. And as long as he's out trying to protect the people and all that cool stuff, he'll have my respect.
________

I find a new respect for the BHBM and support his work... granted if he gets a cease and desist letter from DC Comics I am afraid he is on his own... united we stand divided we fall.

Where as the RLSH could have embraced this mans message of peace and love they cast him out. I was wrong on my assessment of this person, and I here by formally apologize to The Bar Harbor Batman.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend... I welcome The Bar Harbor Batman to the ranks of the RLSV.

RLSH Mr. Justice & Powerful Girl

Spotlight: RLSH Phantom Patriot

Ye gads.... this guy makes The Black Monday Society look like circus clowns!

So for those not up to speed on this wonderful RLSH he spent a little time behind bars after his assault on Bohemian Grove back in 2002. http://articles.sfgate.com/2002-01-24/news/17525248_1_bohemian-grove-women-s-groups-richard-mccaslin

Now his approach was obviously very flawed.. but don't get me wrong going after a group that makes offerings to a 40 foot Owl that speaks with the voice of Walter Cronkite sounds like something I might do. Oh who am I kidding that is on my list of things to do after stealing Archie Bunkers chair from the Smithsonian.

So Phantom Patriot only has a few months left on his probation (one of the conditions on his probation other then staying the hell away from Bohemian Grove, was he was not allowed to wear his costume) and has already been putting feelers out in the RLSH community.

I for one cannot wait until this guy makes his glorious return! The Phantom Patriot deserves to be front and center the next time Kodak does more of his glamour shots.