Friday, December 30, 2011

Chatting with RLS? Conor Silva

Conor Silva: EXPLAIN
Jebediah VonDeathbread: Please redefine the question.
Conor Silva: Explain?
Jebediah VonDeathbread: input error... Please redefine the question and ask again.
Conor Silva: Explain what you do as a rlsv?
Jebediah VonDeathbread: What needs to be done in a unique fashion.
Conor Silva: You should learn to be less vague. Describe an experience.
Jebediah VonDeathbread: All data is open to interpretation. An experience of what... that is vague.
Conor Silva: nvr mind
Jebediah VonDeathbread: OK... nice talking to you: CONOR SALIVA
Conor Silva: Yeah...
Jebediah VonDeathbread: Would you like to play a game?

Chat Conversation End

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Chatting with RLSH The Wolf Of Madison


Thewolf Ofmadison: hey

Jebediah VonDeathbread: I am so into Natalie Imbruglia it is not even funny.

Thewolf Ofmadison: okay then

Chat Conversation End

Friday, December 16, 2011

Chatting with RLSH Mr. Justice


RlshMr Justice: Hi
Jebediah VonDeathbread: Howdy!
RlshMr Justice: How are you?
Jebediah VonDeathbread: I think my bird is dying... I am sad.
RlshMr Justice: What species?
Jebediah VonDeathbread: Avian.
RlshMr Justice: Yes
RlshMr Justice: Have you taken it to the vet?
Jebediah VonDeathbread: I don't think there is a point to that it just died... I am sad.
RlshMr Justice: Buy a super bird
Only 9.95
Or a dog maybe
Dont be sad

Chat Conversation End

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Demoted :(

Well hell... looks like I have been demoted.

A few days ago I was summoned by our glorious leader The Potentate to go over my expense account.

Normally this is handled via electronic communication, but the big man wanted some "face time" so to speak... I don't even know where to look at him.. his head is nothing but volcanic gas. I was not too concerned as going to ROACH head quarter's is always a good place to re-up my arsenal of cheap ball point pens and copy paper.

After making my way down like a million hallways (that all look the same with no markings what so ever) I made it to the Sanctum Sanctorum. This was not good as everyone was in there waiting for me... even that guy with the toilet paper on his head.

I was accused of being in violation of 15 acts under the ROACH charter with the most hanus crime being aiding and abetting in Real Life Superhero activities. I was all like "What no way I hate those guys" and they were all like "Yes way we have evidence and stuff." The proceedings were really long and boring, using lot's of big words that I had no clue as to there meaning. Apparently being chummy and pals with Capes does not make you have a reputation to be "feared".

The only thing I could bring to my defense was a 15 minute interpretational dance about the balance of power done to Abba's Dancing Queen. I had felt I was winning them over as they all started clapping and forming a circle around me just like that scene in that Kevin Bacon movie Tremors.... I was wrong... out came the Nerf baseball bats. If the choice is Nerf or nothing... I would rather take the nothing thank you! This experience is beyond description.. well beyond a description of orange covered Nerf bats beating the ever loving tar out of me.

I have now been moved to a smaller office with no window, my wonderful floating hover chair has been replaced with a broken plastic molded office chair from the 1960's , and I no longer have access to the Class Three lounge... which really sucks due to the fact it is the only place that offers Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper.

Oh well in the end I guess it was better to have loved and gotten wailed on by Nerf then to have lost... or something like that.


-Poop Knife

Meta Villain Class Two

Monday, September 12, 2011

Spider-man star actor Cliff Robertson dies

OSCAR-winning ­Hollywood actor Cliff Robertson has died... after being shot and killed by a car jacker.

At 10:04pm on Saturday evening outside of the Brooklyn public library Cliff Robertson was shot at point blank range in his 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Robertson was parked outside the building waiting to pick up his nephew when the suspect forced Robertson out of the car and shot him in cold blood.

Suspect Michael Papajohn was apprehended by police several hours later at an abandoned mill. Authorities were baffled as to why Papajohn was found dangling from a lamp post in what appeared to be some kind of webbing.

Robertson best known for his performance in the 1958 adaptation of Norman Mailer’s The Naked And The Dead; is survived by his wife May and nephew Peter.

Robertson's last words before bleeding out on the sidewalk were reported as "With great power comes great responsibility." At which that point a glowing blue light engulfed Robertson and he transcended into the next realm only leaving his empty clothing behind.

Friday, July 29, 2011

RLSV Victory for Villainy Over RLSH Hope

Round two suckers and who is still on top?

Yeah, again the forces of pants have taken over the battle of the bulge. Yes Virginia, another cape has been shamed into the world of pants by yours truly!

I am an unstoppable pants machine. Who is next? Any takers? There is no stopping me now... your shame is my weapon, and my weapon is pants!

Another lesson learned. HOPEfully (har har har) this RLSH member will teach future generations what it is like to go against the Knife and loose.

I am taking the weekend off to celebrate.... exit stage left and que Rocky theme song. As a wise man once said "With Great Shame, Must Come Great Pants".

Monday, July 18, 2011

Spotlight: RLSH Hope

Again really? And can you believe this guy is friends with Ani Mal.

Would have it been that difficult for even some basic research? Nah just come up with a name and slap on some spandex... it's all good your a "hero" now.

Hope: Hey Ani Mal what do you think of my new fruit wrap?
Ani Mal: It is ok, but your member is showing.
Hope: Oh crap... you are right dude!
Ani Mal: Get some black pants, that should fix it.
Hope: Thanks Ani Mal, you are the bestest!

I just don't know anymore.... the lady next to the chode is Violet Valkyrie. Who apparently knows how to wear spandex in a correct manner. She is either too polite or naive to tell her crime fighting buddy to change his name to The Human Wang.

This re-pantsing the RLSH thing is going to take alot of time.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

The Re Evil Dead

Alright so apparently Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi are reviving some form of the original film, The Evil Dead. For those that do not know of the film, please go back to your cave and bugger off.

I could care less on the outcome of this project as being a Metavillain anything with the word "evil" in it I automatically must like. This does not sound as cool as it is.... I am also contractually obligated to like Cher, asbestos, and Beta max.

But what does confuse the living Krypton out of me is what the hell do you call it? A remake, reboot, re-imagining, Evil Dead 3.0? The second film in the original trio was kind of a re-telling as well, only spiced up a little bit with money. This modern era of Re's makes my head hurt more then when I saw the Re-Re-Animator.

Diablo Cody is doing something with the project.... but again I could care less to what, as I am just in love with the name "Diablo Cody". What an awesome name to have as cracker jack reporter or a stunt woman! I hope she has a brown Suede jacket and a bowie knife... that would kick-ass.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

RLSV Victory for Villainy Over RLSH Ani Mal


Oh yes, I am so claiming this one.

Not but a little while ago (June 30th to be precise) one pointed out the "short comings" of the spandex monstrosity of nightmares known as the fruit wrap of Real Life Super Hero (or maybe Alt-X by now) know as Ani Mal.

The streets are still not safe, but at least the children and women will not recoil in horror... too much. If only they made a black pair of pants big enough to cover the entire shame of the RLSH sub-culture I could retire in peace... and go back to Project Love Dolphin.

This gives one new purpose in villainy. From this day forward I will not rest until all capes are wearing pants! This may take some time... but it will be time well invested.

Look out Iron Lamb... you are my next target.

BWAHAHAHA!

-PK

Monday, July 4, 2011

Captain America Dry

Wow what a brilliant marketing plan. Captain America the Marvel comics symbol of super patriotism is on a bottle of Canada Dry.

The "boys" in marketing have really out done themselves this time.

Maybe this is a new era in mismarketing? Perhaps Tony Stark could start endorsing O'Douls.... or maybe Wonder Woman could have her own line of steak sauce!

Happy Villaindependence Day indeed.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Spotlight: RLSH Ani Mal

Now here we have....

OH MY GOD... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

If you are going to wear spandex have the common sense to put some underwear on the outside of that thing.

Think Batman not Spider-Man for two seconds.

I don't want to see this "hero" again until he gets a pair of trunks.... or possibly a restraining order around public parks.

This is beyond epic fail at this point... like a black hole trapped inside a Corona without a lime.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Mail Bag

Yeesh... it's summer time people.... even death takes a holiday.

Gosh it is super swell to know people miss me tormenting them with Death Bots and such. Here is a fun rundown of messages I have gotten in the last month.... all names are withheld to protect the un-road worthy.

Alice: i just wanted to say i am so sorry bout the phone thing on the ****** ****** show i hope u can fore give me

Skippy: I am glad you have gone away you mother ******. I hope you got hit by a truck.

Joan: Are you ok? Have not seen you on FB. I miss our late night chats. :(

Building 2-A: Dear Mr. VonDeathbread, this is to inform you that the copy of "How to Rule the World from your Couch" by Laura Day is now 5 days overdue. You will be charged .10 per day until it is returned.

Fred: Are you mad at me? What ever I did wrong I am sorry, please do not unfriend me! Please write back.

Chip: you ok? You weren't caught in any subterfuge and revenge taken against you or those close to you?


Well it looks like I have some business to attend to, as ten cents per day is going to add up really quick. Otherwise Back to the Beach with Frankie and Annette.

Friday, May 13, 2011

The Sassy Gay Friend is Dead!

Yep it is sad but true... and end of an era. Just like giant cell phones and Tevo, the male sassy gay has been replaced.

I here by decree this next decade now belongs to the Sassy Bisexual friend. Back in the closet you go Carson Kressley.... you are obsolete. The SBF is in many respects similar to his predecessor. Interior decorating skills, fashion sense, and interpretational Lady Gaga dancing is all there.

The superiority of the SBF to the SGF breaks down as follows. With your typical SGF female heterosexual relationship there is always that uncomfortable level of sexual tension subconsciously on the female side. She deep down in some chromosomal level feels the need to bring the SGF back to the home team. It would be great right? You converted one back who will be the perfect life mate. He is caring, sweet, and has a much better living room set then you could ever hope for. This scenario never works out well... nine times out of ten you just sent him running back to the club where you will be gossipped about and put on the national SGF do not call list. You are shoe shopping alone from now on chica.

This is where the evolution of the SBF truly outshines his cro-magnon cousin. The heterosexual female in the SBF relationship does not feel the will or desire to have to "save" this one. She will be pleased as punch to sill have someone to look over the new fall fashions and chat on the phone about last nights episode of Glee. The SBF sexual relationship is always a option for her if she chooses to act on it. Nine times out of Ten she will not pursue that kind of relationship, as she needs someone to talk to about why her boyfriend does not understand her. A wonderful side effect for the SBF is he often does not have to pay for things when he has a current partner. The female will feel some kind of weird moral obligation to treat for talking to the SBF about her man troubles. Watermelon smoothies are the best!

Now as the sun now rises proudly over the horizon welcoming in this new utopia. I bid the SGF goodbye forever.... or until Tuesday... what ever comes first.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Concentrated Evil thy name is Computer King



This one goes out to you Pufnstuf! Looking forward to your return.... someone has to cut those vegetables on my plate for me. :D

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Superman Renounces U.S. Citizenship


Oh say it ain't so Superman!

So much for truth, justice and the American way.

Guess there is a reason why Batman could always kick ole Clarks butt? I think Supes needs another Bat reality check asap! Maybe even Ollie can help and shoot a kryptonite arrow into his chest? Wait, that is the future we will never get.

Ugh, other than bankruptcy... can something please kill Superman?

http://www.comicsalliance.com/2011/04/27/superman-renounces-us-citizenship/#ixzz1Kq5kCTSP

So Superman is going to renounce his allegiance to the US and proclaim it to the UN. I find the irony of him denouncing the U.S. and then going to the U.N. funny . Since the U.N. is the most useless organization on the planet just as The League of Nations Was in the 1920's and 30's. If anything he should fly over to the UN building pick it up and throw it into the sun if he really wants to "Fight for Justice."

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

RLSV Patrol Log: 04/16/11

RLSV Patrol Log: 04/16/11

Teamed up with Malvado and Intern Terry for this one... safety in numbers and all that stuff.

7:06pm: Left Malvado's Lair to walk to gas station to buy evil provisions.
7:09pm: Saw pretty fountain... Malvado said it was just a tire.
7:14pm: Arrived at gas station.. this dirty bordello of capitalist filth... selling there overpriced combos and candy bars.
7:16pm: Malvado mistook a child for a girl when in fact it was a boy. Everyone in the store laughed and he apologized to the child.
7:17pm: Purchased items and left.
7:20pm: Had interesting conversation about music.
7:23pm: Saw man doing yard work and waved, he waved back.. in fear and terror seeing two RLSV's at the same time.
7:26pm: arrived back at Malvado's lair.

04/20/11

11:00pm: Finished Writing patrol log.. this one was long and I had to spend a lot of time on it.

Friday, April 1, 2011

A Hero is Born!

Being an RLSV is just stupid. I have no idea what I was thinking of in the first place. I have no costume... excuse me I mean uniform. I don't do anything that is remotely villain like (with the exception of not recycling on purpose cause Meow Mix said to) and I have excellent table manners. I know which one is the salad fork... do you?

I think I have changed my mind..... I hear by proclaim myself a RLSH! I will now go by the name "Wild Flower" I will protect the environment by calling 9-11 every time I see someone being a litter bug. I will zap the offender with my cattle prod (I am new to being a RLSH, who sells cattle prods cheap?) Until Johnny Law arrives.... but safely use a hefty bag full of marsh mellows to rest their head under.

I already have a grappling hook, and a Oscar Meyer weenier whistle to blow, if anything comes up that my cell phone and cattle prod cannot handle. I also plan on carrying a bag full of wild flowers to put into the end of a gun if anyone pulls one on me. Pretty cool eh? I am a total marketing machine calling myself Wild Flower and using wild flowers!

How do I contact Peter Tangen? I am so on board and ready for my photo shoot! This is going to be great! I am going to make the world a better place and get to be on a poster!

-Poop Kn..... I mean RLSH Wild Flower!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

RLSV Patrol Log: 03/20/11

Poop Knife Patrol Log: 03/20/11

2:32pm: Left Lair to walk to dollar store to purchase cat food.
2:34pm: Man waved at me while doing yard work.... waved back.
2:41pm: Reached the dollar store. Right behind lady who dropped the door on my face. She looked back and I gave her a death stare.. she quickly looked away. Let out audible "Hurrrmmmm"
2:42pm: Made selection of brand of cat food... Cat Cafe' looked tasty. Brand name made me think of Paris.. saw bag of Meow Mix and laughed.
2:43pm: Lady waiting in line with large cart of food smiled and said I could go in front of her. Smiled and said "Thank You". Random act of kindness, the wheel of Karma re balancing after door incident? No.. they feel my evil and are in fear for their lives.. they also smell the almost sickening sweetness of the Water Mellon Jolly Rancher I am sucking on.
2:51pm: Children in street having argument about the proper disposal of a plastic water bottle. Girl wants to throw it away... boy wants to leave it there. No need for intervention... evil will prevail and I will see the bottle there tomorrow.
2:54pm: Returned to Lair and fed cat.
3:02pm: Wrote Patrol Log

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Happy Kitty Genovese Day!

Time for you to get a little bit of understanding on what makes Poop Knife function.

The year was 1999 give or take in wonderful sunny south Florida. I worked at a local business in the classic downtown area that was trying to revitalize as many towns were doing in this era. The idea being to celebrate local businesses and the heritage of main street USA.

The only problem with this wonderful idea is 90% of the homeless population also resided in the downtown area as well. All the shop owners and workers became very close to each other as we had to watch out for each other on a regular basis.

One day a new member of the homeless transient (the homeless just like birds migrate south for the winter) population decided to call our little town "home". Only this one was a little different then the rest.. very mentally unstable.. scared the hell out of everyone including the rest of the local homeless We nicknamed him Uni-Manson as he wore the same style mirrored sun glasses and hoody as the Unibomber but had the wild Afro like Charles Manson.

Nothing could be done, as even though everyone knew this guy was insane he had not broken any laws.

A plan was formed to remove this dangerous element from our little corner of society. Being this was a small town our plan was leaked to other well placed members of the community... and as scary as this is they supported what we were going to do and were willing to provide what ever assistance we needed to complete our self appointed vigilante mission.

Equipment was gathered and funded by various contributors (made Z look like Mr. Rogers) and a few dry runs or "rehearsals" were performed to make sure everything would run smoothly.... the plan was open to interpretation as force was going to indeed be used but we were willing to let Uni-Manson slink off into the night to become a problem of another community.

A few hours before "showtime" we were given an intervention by one of the prominent members of the local church who had also learned what we were about to do. His words were wise and true... It was not our place to do what ever we wanted to a man who had committed no crime other then scaring the living crap out of everyone who encountered him. We agreed to stand down and find a legal route for the situation.

Three weeks later on a Tuesday..... I will never forget this day for as long as I live. Another boring day of no business, most of us decided to close early due to it being a rainy day. One store owner decided to stick it out on the chance she would make some desperately needed money. Uni-Manson must have noticed that all the stores were closed except for hers. She was stabbed 27 times by him and died on her showroom floor after bleeding out. Uni-Manson was easily found by local police who followed the trail of stolen goods he dropped on the way to a wooded area a few blocks away.

I left town shortly after.. I could not stay there anymore.


Now you tell me "Heroes" you rally around a woman you would have no clue about if it had not been written about in some damn comic book. How do you think I feel? I had a chance to do something about the problem and did not because it was morally wrong. I would have become a vigilante or possibly a murderer, but instead due to my lack of action an innocent woman died for no damn reason at all.

You feed the homeless without understanding their nature... you are not part of any solution but are part of the problem. At any given time you can volunteer at a legit homeless outreach center... but oh no we can't have that can we because your a "Super Hero" and that would not satisfy your twisted ego of being the attention whores that you are. You go out after hours to "patrol" to find your Kitty Genovese to save.. but oh no you don't want to be a legitimate part of law enforcement because they are all "corrupt". You know better then them with all your advanced training of reading comic books.

Your entire sub-culture makes me sick to my stomach, with the very few exceptions of a handful of honest people who do know how to correctly do charity work. As for the rest of you pieces of human waste.... get it through your thick heads that you are not freaking super heroes.. you are a mockery of the word hero.

I was pulled back from the brink. Most of you are too stupid to be saved....

Friday, March 4, 2011

Her name was Elise...

While on patrol... excuse me while I was on my way to the super market I found something that troubled me.

On my stealthy approach to the front door.... while looking out for ninjas and such, I saw a young girl sitting on the ground next to the ATM machine crying. I stopped for a moment and was filled with an emotion of what I can only call disgust for the human race on a whole. I watched people walk by her in a speedy fashion, not even looking at her and pretending she was not there.

I walked up and sat down next to her on the ground and asked her what was wrong? She at first seemed a little startled.. but after I broke the ice with a classic from the Bugs Bunny collection "Did you sit on a tack?" she laughed though her tear stained eyes and started talking to me.

Her name was Elise and she was 15 years old and ran away from home three weeks ago. She had a fight with her parents and felt they did not want her anymore. Her debit card was declined and she was hungry and had no place to go. I am not sure how long we sat there and talked as time was meaningless to me at this point. I took her to the Subway that was adjacent to the supermarket and bought her a meatball sub and a diet soda with some chips.

As she ate we continued to talk, the fight she had was over texting on the phone with a boy.... again my inside RLSV flared up as what a pointless and meaningless argument to have with your child that the end result would cause her to run away. I could not tell if she had any physical violence applied to her being very dirty and ragged looking being on the street for three weeks. I called my intern Sarah to come and assist me.

We took her back to her place and Sarah cleaned her up and talked to her... in some situations women can feel more secure with each other then with men. After finding out she was not abused we asked if we could talk to her parents? She was still very upset with the situation but agreed. After a 8 minute conversation with the mother, who had been scared to death for the last three weeks and had filed a missing persons report, we drove Elise back home.

Both parents were crying and happy to have their child back again. I spoke to the father in private offering the advice to not sweat the small things in life and to remember what it was like when he was that age less the technology. Sarah and I were both thanked many times and hugged. Elise also thanked us for helping her. I smiled and said that is what Super Villains do. She smiled and laughed at me.. she said I was no villain I was her angle... I forced back my tears and cried on the way back home.

And what have you done today RLSH? Have you found your magical rape victim in that alley yet? Worked on your digital logo? Having fun in your upcoming reality shows to "inspire" us little people? Loose the costumes and start being real human beings... no this will not get you on television or the fame you long for.... but you might actually start making a difference in this world.

I know I have just returned from my hiatus... but I am taking another break again. As I feel you the RLSH.. are becoming a lost cause.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Bar Harbor Batman

Well this has become interesting. I only became aware of the BHBM after TK posted on his blog if this guy was a RLSH or not?

My first response was no as being a "RLSH" should require a unique persona same as a RLSV (You have no idea on how many "new" RLSV members think they are the second coming of the Joker) this in retrospect was incorrect.... well on the RLSH front. All you tool bags who think you are the new Joker need a serious reality check.

Honestly... you want to go beat the hell out of people who dontate plasma in a poorly made spandex costumes?

After some thought and reflection the words of my RLSV comrade rang true:

---------------
Tothian:

It seems unfair for any of us on the Internet who don't know the guy personally to "decide" or "judge" whether he is or isn't a real life superhero. It just seems stupid.

Heroes aren't dubbed heroes because of a bunch of opinionated individuals on the Internet. I believe it's up to all of the people he may help or protect out on the streets to have their own opinions and perceptions of what they consider heroic, villainous, normal, weird, or whatever.

So, because of that, I see the titles as irrelevant. And as long as he's out trying to protect the people and all that cool stuff, he'll have my respect.
________

I find a new respect for the BHBM and support his work... granted if he gets a cease and desist letter from DC Comics I am afraid he is on his own... united we stand divided we fall.

Where as the RLSH could have embraced this mans message of peace and love they cast him out. I was wrong on my assessment of this person, and I here by formally apologize to The Bar Harbor Batman.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend... I welcome The Bar Harbor Batman to the ranks of the RLSV.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Spotlight: RLSH Phantom Patriot


Ye gads.... this guy makes The Black Monday Society look like circus clowns!

So for those not up to speed on this wonderful RLSH he spent a little time behind bars after his assault on Bohemian Grove back in 2002. http://articles.sfgate.com/2002-01-24/news/17525248_1_bohemian-grove-women-s-groups-richard-mccaslin

Now his approach was obviously very flawed.. but don't get me wrong going after a group that makes offerings to a 40 foot Owl that speaks with the voice of Walter Cronkite sounds like something I might do. Oh who am I kidding that is on my list of things to do after stealing Archie Bunkers chair from the Smithsonian.

So Phantom Patriot only has a few months left on his probation (one of the conditions on his probation other then staying the hell away from Bohemian Grove, was he was not allowed to wear his costume) and has already been putting feelers out in the RLSH community.

I for one cannot wait until this guy makes his glorious return! The Phantom Patriot deserves to be front and center the next time Kodak does more of his glamour shots.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Bam! Pow! Superhero Groups Clash In an Epic Battle of Good vs. Good

Bam! Pow! Superhero Groups Clash In an Epic Battle of Good vs. Good

Phoenix Jones Fights Villains With a Taser, But Zetaman Thinks That's None Too Safe

By ASHBY JONES

SEATTLE—Life isn't easy for the self-proclaimed superhero who calls himself "Phoenix Jones, Guardian of Seattle." A 22-year-old day-care worker by day, he dons a black-and-gold costume by night to harass drug dealers and break up street fights.

But he's having a harder time dealing with his latest nemeses: members of the "Real Life Superhero" (RLSH) movement.

Go on patrol for a night with real-life super hero Phoenix Jones and his team. WSJ's Ashby Jones reports from the rainy streets of Seattle.
.This world-wide collection mainly of grown men with names like Zetaman, Knight Owl, Dark Guardian, and Mr. Raven Blade, have taken to grumbling about Mr. Jones, who has recently been getting more publicity than they do, partly because of his aggressive style.

The RLSHers, many of whom stick to charitable works like delivering food to the homeless, are concerned that Mr. Jones's physical approach might not reflect well on the superhero community, which has worked hard to convince people that it isn't just a group of comic-book geeks with inflated notions of their own importance but, rather, a force for good in the world.

"For the first time, we have someone who agrees with our overall purpose but doesn't agree with our methods," says Knight Owl, a Portland, Ore., member of the RLSH world who, like the others, refuses to give out his real name.

"I suppose it was bound to happen, but it's definitely a growing pain within the community."

Mr. Jones, who declined to allow his real name to be published but whose back story checks out, dismisses the criticism. "I may be eccentric, but I'm not crazy," he says. "I really am here to help the people of Seattle."

Real Life Superheroes, who seem to favor masks and dark clothing—sometimes emblazoned with homemade logos (like the Superman "S")—exist in pockets all over the world. Some, like Knight Owl and Thanatos, based in Vancouver, British Columbia, typically focus on charitable activities.

Others, such as New York's Dark Guardian, patrol areas known for drug activity—a bit like the city's old subway-riding Guardian Angels. Dark Guardian shines lights and takes videos to try to deter crime nonviolently, and he makes emergency calls to 911.

"Mostly, they're relatively normal people trying to help out and have a little fun along the way," says Tea Krulos, a Milwaukee writer working on a book about them.

Phoenix Jones is different. In the 10 months since he became prominent, he has shown a willingness to thrust himself into dangerous situations.

A mixed martial-arts fighter, he broke his nose last month while breaking up a fight, and he says he has been shot and stabbed, too. He often travels with a posse, sometimes carries a Taser nightstick and tear gas, and repeatedly has himself been mistaken for a criminal.

"Superhero' Phoenix Jones, top, uses a cell phone to help monitor possible crimes.
.One Friday night, Mr. Jones and several sidekicks—two quiet men called Buster Doe and Pitch Black; a young woman named Blue Sparrow; and a superhero-in-training called Ski Man—spent several hours making the rounds on the streets of Seattle.

Mr. Jones posed for the occasional cellphone photo with revelers outside night spots in several popular neighborhoods. But, he says, the attention "distracts me from my mission."

Outside a bar, Mr. Jones chastised a man for yelling at a downtrodden passerby.

"Let's keep it cool; let's all have a good night," he said to the man, who quickly backed down.

From there, Mr. Jones chatted up late-night loiterers in areas known for drug dealing. "Stay safe tonight," he said. "Stay warm."

Later, the superheroes ran after a swerving car, suspecting a drunk driver, but the car raced away and, alas, they can't fly. Capes, also, are unfashionable in the superhero world: "They get caught on everything," says Mr. Raven Blade.

Little crime-fighting took place that night. "That's the thing," concedes Mr. Jones. "When there's nothing going on, you feel pretty silly in this outfit," he says, referring to his costume, which he says is equipped with the latest body armor.

Detective Mark Jamieson, spokesman for the Seattle Police Department, applauds citizens' willingness to get involved in their communities and says the department has received 911 calls from Mr. Jones.

But he worries about things getting out of hand. "Our concern is that if it goes badly, then we wind up getting called anyway, and we may get additional victims."

It's that kind of scenario that frightens other RLSHers.

"Whether intentionally or not, he's representing the [superhero] community now," says Knight Owl. "And that makes some people nervous."

Mr. Jones says the RLSH group initially resented his quick move into the spotlight, and blackballed him when he later tried to make nice. So Mr. Jones ultimately started his own group, called the Rain City Superheroes. He says the group's mission is decidedly different from the agenda of the RLSH gang.

"Handing out food to the homeless is an entirely worthy thing to do," he says. "But it's not what superheroes do. If you're going to drive a fire truck, people are going to expect you to put out fires. If you dress up like a superhero, people are going to expect you to fight crime."

Phoenix and one of his cohorts, named Buster Doe, make an appearance at The Dreaming comics and games store in Seattle. Last month, in an effort to patch things up, members of the two groups met up in Seattle and went on a late-night patrol of the city.

According to Mr. Jones and others present, the night didn't go entirely smoothly. At a coffee shop following the patrol, Mr. Jones and Zetaman, a Portland superhero, argued over Mr. Jones's approach. Zetaman declined to comment. But on his blog, he recounted telling Mr. Jones: "[A]ll of us are afraid of one day someone is going to get killed and it'll be all over."

Added Zetaman: "I don't need this kind of macho c— in my life and I don't need to prove myself to anyone, least of all to Phoenix Jones and his Rain City Superhero Movement."

The night of the patrol, Zetaman left the group early and went back to his hotel.

Responds Mr. Jones: "I don't see the point in handing sandwiches to homeless people in areas in which the homeless are getting abused, attacked, harassed by drug dealers."

Since then, the two groups—the Rain City Superheroes and the Real Life Superheroes—have pretty much gone their separate ways.

"We're not one giant family," says Knight Owl. "After all, we're a colorful collection of individuals. We're superheroes."

Write to Ashby Jones at ashby.jones@wsj.com

Copyright 2011 Dow Jones & Company, Inc. All Rights Reserved

Monday, February 21, 2011

Chatting with: RLSH The Ant


PK: So whats your deal?
TA: Deal?
PK: Charity hand outs, picking up garbage on the side of the road, going out after midnight with a tazer to zap drunks?
TA: lol, zapping drunks in Wisconsin would disable the whole town...
All of the above actually...volunteer at the food pantry, blankets to the homeless shelter...giving rides to intoxicated people
PK: You are unarmed correct?
TA: Escorting women to their cars on the bar strip
I have a pepper gun, collapsible batons...and 3 black belts in different styles...
Military outfit with hand made custom fiberglass armor and helmet
PK: Neat me too.. one of my belts is western, another has stars on it, and the third has a big silver belt buckle on it.
TA: video and audio recording devices and blinding strobe flashlight
all tied into my iPhone with police scanner app
PK: What do you believe you can accomplish?
TA: along with 3 other RLSHs
More than not doing anything
PK: Good answer.
Why The Ant?
TA: I've been stepped on my whole life...
PK: So are you fighting back for personal beliefs or just a general wish to do good?
TA: I am small in stature yet mighty in strength
Both, I am unemployed and single and want something to help me feel needed in this bad time we live in.
PK: You are aware of the risks involved in this activity?
TA: Of course...I know my town well
I can take a beating and I have common sense to avoid fatal situations
PK: And your associates you patrol with?
TA: Same
They are all skilled and take take a beating as well?
One is a bouncer at a bar...
the other is tall and strong, built...and crazy...lol
I'm not afraid to much...a lil I admit but everyone needs a lil fear
PK: And the female in your group... she can take the hits as well?
TA: I will be training her in self defense this spring and she is so hot that her looks can stop anything
PK: I hope that holds true with a 357 round.
TA: lol
you are very negative
PK: Tough game you have entered into... want it to be sugar coated?
TA: I am practical...not stupid...I am well aware of the risks...I am not a glory hound
PK: Your new... it always begins the same way.
TA: Really
I've trained in Martial arts for 20 years...I can hold my own against 5 men...no problem... without guns
PK: If you do too well you will be targeted.. I am sure you are aware if that?
TA: I will be meeting with the police and letting them know who I am...and this isn't LA...
PK: Drunks, crack heads, and gangs are the same no matter the location.
TA: True, I'd love to debate this with you but I am crating a logo now...gotta run. Thanks for your concern though...:)
PK: Good luck!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

RLSH are Frauds




http://m.nypost.com/p/news/local/manhattan/hero_unwelcome_Zi3u1fwtRpo87vXAiAQfSN

So this is how real heroes are treated in our society?

A man who served his country with honor gets called a racist, and fools in spandex expect a pat on the back every time they hand out a cheese burger?

It however does give some satisfaction to know that the RLSH would most likely be the first to be either enslaved or done away with if there was a tyrannical regime.... because they are so easily brainwashed or simpleminded they would be useful but for nothing else.

Look at history and you will see it played out time and again... they are nothing but lemmings eating the mindless brain food fed to them by the Hollywood machine. Dance for your masters RLSH... give them what they want so you can receive your ultimate reward. Cash in on your "reputation" and be on your television shows, coloring books, posters, be the true prostitutes that you are. You live in a bubble and are excited about it... because you could never survive in the world of reality.

Again.. you are no heroes... just puppets being manipulated by your new master.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Chatting with: RLSH Spirt of Albany

PK: Do you like the beach?
SOA: Not really, why?
PK: Ok cool... I was thinking of blowing it up.
SOA: The whole beach? That goes pretty much down both entire sides of the country
and all of Hawaii
PK: I am glad you are indifferent... one less RLSH to worry about stopping me.
SOA: You'd need quite a lot of dynamite, nukes, giant death rays, or other evil weapons to do that
PK: Death Bots man.... I got a whole s#it ton of them off Craig's list... traded some tiki lamps.
SOA: S#it, good job! Just do me a favor, spare the beach boys
PK: I know right?
SOA: and john stamos, you can take out jimmy buffet though
PK: Ehhh once you send a Death Bot out there is really no rules... s#it last time they took out a Milk truck and a snow plow... I did not even know Milk Trucks were still around but yet they beat the living tar out of it...
SOA: shucks!
PK: Do you have your own chair in your Large Room of Good?
SOA: I'm not sure what that means, but I have plenty of chairs
PK: Well on our space station (that is a big piece of crap) we have this big table of evil with our own chairs. My chair really sucks as two of the wheels are broken like a sad shopping cart at the Piggly Wiggly
I think I am being screwed over as all the other chairs look fine....
SOA: Thats messed up!
Just go into the room when the other villains are out and switch the chairs around
that'll show 'em
PK: They have our names on the back....
SOA: Break all the chairs when nobody is around. Except for one. He will be blamed and thrown out, and everyone including you will get new chairs, on his tab!
PK: Crimson Nematode has no money... that plan will never work.
SOA: Choose the richest villain as your fall guy
c'mon, you're supposed to be a brilliant super villain, right?
PK: Man there is no Way I am going against Lord Malignance... he would some how reactivate my student loans... and let's not even go into the Comrade CoCoa aspect.
SOA: Well you're smart, you'll figure it out haha
PK: To be honest all you need is like a GED to become a Meta Villain.
SOA: How do you get the funding for your space station?
PK: Hell If I know... it was built before I joined on.
SOA: And the rocket fuel to get up there and such
PK: I think it had something todo with plastic bottles, baking soda, and a garden hose but again that was before my time.... you should ask The White Skull and his perky minion Femur.
Do you miss the McDlt? I do!
SOA: the what?
PK: Sorry... little off track there... Agent Beryllium keeps leaving empty styrofoam McDlt containers on my front walk to A: Remind me I cannot travel through time and to B: Remind me I will never enjoy a McDlt ever again.
SOA: What a mean guy! Sick your doom bot s or whatever on him. Thats what I would do if I was a cartoon villain
PK: I will tell him you send your love!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Detroit's New RLSH

And were back..... Ah what a wonderful vaction! I made some new super buddy friends and have found out some really interesting information... more on that later BWHAHAHAHA!

Before the pain let's start with some amazing news. Detroit is finally getting a RLSH that is actually worth a damn... ROBOCOP!

http://jalopnik.com/#!5761947/group-raises-50k-for-detroit-robocop-statue

Yep it may just be a statue... a fifty thousand dollar statute, but I have a feeling the motor city will be sleeping a little better with their new defender guarding the city.

This in fact could be the greatest RLSH ever! His suit cost a fortune and he will not do a damn thing.

I would like to thank Pink Eye for crapping up my blog with kitty cats while I was on hiatus. Revenge will be swift and deadly... now go get me a coffee!

Please Stand By.....

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Monday, January 24, 2011

Thursday, January 20, 2011

He-Man's Death by Skeletor's Evil Kitty Staff Thingie of Doom!



Skeletor rockin' out with a Kitty Headed Staff was awesome/funny. The fact that the kitty staff of doom zaps some kind of mystical lightning that incinerates He-Man as well as decapiting him just goes to show all villians need kitties in some shape or form.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Monday, January 17, 2011

RLSH Phoenix Jones on SNL

I guess any attention is good attention for these guys. The beloved new comer Phoenix Jones got highlighted on Saturday Night Lives Weekend Update, after the punch to the nose report early last week.

Seth Meyers comment on our hero, "It seems evil has figured out Phoenix Jones's only weakness: weakness."

It can be viewed at the 39:19 minute mark on the NBC web site.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Conjunctivitis in your face

Hello, I am Pink Eye. I'm not a RLSH or V or W X Y Z. I am just a person.

I will be guest hosting Poop Knife's blog Evil Supreme Pizza for a little while, as he needs and deserves a well earned break.

I am one of the interns mentioned last year. If you want to be mad at anything in this world, it should be that I actually got half of a college credit for reading blogs and listening to blog talk radio.

I am seriously still damaged from that and seeking therapy.

Now the Stinky Silverware asks that I help out with this blog so I will more than likely post random pictures that involve cats. Considering some of you morons out there think he's a gay kitty it should fit right in with the theme.

I am not a fan of the RLSH, I just think it's a fan club for attention whores and vigilantes. If you want to do a good deed then that is all fine and well. There is no rule book stating that volunteers should dress in tights, wear a mask, and prostrate themselves for the media. There are plenty of normal sane people who would not get a second look or acknowledgement, who go about doing good deeds because they feel it the right thing to do as a citizen and human being. They do no expect anyone to say thank you or tell them what a good person they are. They get satisfaction just knowing they helped.

Oh, and before the grand fun begins with the "It's just Poop Knife pretending to be someone else" I did have a brief chat on the phone with Agent Beryllium. I know villains might not make for the best character reference, so I may call in to one of the blog talk radio programs in the near future. Not Creature Feature, as the host just seems to think any female that calls in is an opportunity to make cheap sexual advances.

Let's start with some music

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Monday, January 10, 2011

When in Seattle

Ah Seattle! Besides having a relic from the worlds fair this great city has many wonderful attractions for any up an coming RLSH to enjoy! Personally I would love to move there as this seems to be the hub of all up and coming capes. Sigh... I just have drunk bmx wearing, cat mutilating, member of the white trash society to play with. If it was not for the temporal restraining order from Agent Beryllium I would be out wandering the streets of Jet City in an instant.

Fun places to go:

The Dreamer: location U-district 5226 University Way Northeast Seattle, WA 98105

All your comic book needs for research on costumes, catching up on geek news, fabulous T-shirts and more! They even have a secret door that leads to the bathroom! You never know who could be back there?


Po Dogs Capitol Hill: location U-District http://podogs.com/

Want some gourmet hot dogs cheap? Then Po Dogs is the place for all RLSH members to fill their fat little belly's with delicious wieners! Just don't come crying to me when some fella in the back with a volcano head zaps you with a death ray!


Alderwood Mixed Martial Arts: location 2006 196th ST SW STE#109 Lynnwood, WA

After you have plumped up on hot dogs you are going to need a place to shed those extra pounds, and maybe even learn some KICK-ASS moves to take down the bad guys! Well this is the place for you. Reasonable rates and get some one-on-on training with mixed martial arts legend Benjamin "Flat Top" Fodor. Tell him I sent you to get that extra experience!

Have a great time in the pacific northwest and look out for worm holes!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Chatting with: RLSH Phoenix Jones

PK: You are like Batman right?
VJ: kinda
PK: Is your suit all armored up?
VJ: yes
PK: It kinda looks like Handcock's... did you see that movie?
VJ: yeah love that movie
PK: Why do you wear a ski mask? It makes you look like a bad guy.
VJ: i dont i have new suit
PK: Did you useto be the Black Knight?
VJ: no but he is awesome i know him
PK: Is it ok If I call you Velvet Jones? I think the Phoenix title is tied to directly in to the Marvel comics character.... Velvet Jones sounds so bad ass.. like you are taking back the streets with style!
VJ: haha if you want to i will let you but phoenix has a special meaning to me that i cant explain
PK: Sure sure I am betting it is something special like a rebirth or reaffirmation of your soul to bring positive change to the world around you or some such.
VJ: no its mine sons middle name its my rebirth was the birth of him and when he got hurt by this citys scum i decided to burn all the criminals down re birthing seattle
PK: Nice.. very good orgin story... So why did you chose to become a masked avenger to act on this moment of revelation?
VJ: i wanted revenge but when that subsided i wanted to help other people so what happend to me doesn't happen to them
PK: How well would you say your working relationship is with your peers in the RLSH community?
VJ: bad they hate me
PK: Why?
VJ: because im hard on bad guys and im close to a vigilante
PK: Do you carry a firearm?
VJ: no way tazer and pepper spray and my fist
PK: Well that makes you less of a vigilante if you are unarmed. I suppose others might question your costume activities based on what your actions are when you come across a "crime". Are you sure you are helping or are you still venting your anger out on people who hurt your child?

Phoenix Jones is offline.